Merry Christmas. Have a Firepot.

Merry belated Christmas, everyone. Now, you may think it's a bit pathetic that I didn't get my family presents until the twenty-fourth, but a) you probably did the same thing and b) I had several major projects due on the twenty-third. Fuuun, teachers, really fun. And fair. Did I mention how very fair that is?

Anyway, my sister Grace and I got our dad a Firepot. For those who don't know, a Firepot is basically a ceramic bowl. One fills it with special gel or wood and then lights it on fire. (And if one happens to be a Harry Potter fan, one can pretend that it's the Goblet of Fire and put your name into it. Nothing will come of it, but it's fun to fantasize.)
Ironically, the bottle of BIOFUEL Firepot Fuel Gel we purchased is labeled "Keep away from fire or flame." As if that wasn't the whole point. Oh, and it has some great disclaimers:

Contents may catch fire. Fumes may catch fire. Do not drink or swallow. Avoid contact with eyes, mucous membranes, or prolonged contact with skin. May irritate eyes. Do not smoke. Do not get in eyes or on clothing. Do not breathe fumes. Use only in a well-ventilated area. For use with Firepot gel burners. Never burn the Firepot on or near anything that can catch fire. Keep fuel gel bottle away from any flame, such as the Firepot or a pilot lignt, and any object that sparks. Store gel in a cool, dry place away from flames. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS. Never add fuel gel to the Firepot when lit. Do not pour on open flame or fire. Never add anything to the fuel gel. Never leave a burning Firepot unattended.

This is hilarious for so many reasons. First: Contents may catch fire. Well, duh. That's what it's for. And Do not drink or swallow? What exactly is the distinction? I mean, to drink something it is necessary to swallow, and to swallow it you've gotta drink it, right?
The sentence Avoid contact with eyes, mucous membranes, or prolonged contact with skin. is grammatically incorrect. Hey, Firepot: Try Avoid contact with eyes OR mucous membranes, or prolonged contact with skin. Or Avoid contact with eyes, with mucous membranes, and with skin. Please. A teenager can do it has done it better.
And, really, Do not smoke? I certainly hope you're not stupid enough to smoke Firepot fuel, disclaimer or not. 
Do not get in eyes or on clothing. They've already said Avoid contact with eyes. They don't need to say it again.
The sentences Use only in a well-ventilated area. For use with Firepot gel burners. really belong under the Directions paragraph,  not the warnings.
Do not pour on open flame or fire. Again, what's the difference?
Also, this is one of the least cohesive paragraphs I've ever read--and we do peer editing in English class *shudder.* Have the executives at Firepots, Inc. ever heard of a semicolon? I can imagine their e-vites to Christmas parties. "Hope you'll come. We have cats. Parking is available." If they're going for the ninth-grade-MLA-paper style, in which case they've got it fairly accurate, they could improve by adding a few more random and totally unnecessary capitalizations and taking out a couple commas. Hey, Firepots Inc., you would do well to purchase A Writer's Reference by Diana Hacker. It is really, really boring but you need it.
And for all you people out there who just can't seem to get your semicolons straight, here's a link to some interactive exercises. Merry Christmas.
(I know, fun, right? You love them! I knew you would!)